I have many brothers. They are very enthusiastic and spirited people, and it is my unsworn duty to prevent them from running wild and destroying a small nation. Since they cannot be coerced by threats of death, torture, disembowelment, or loss of candy, and cannot be bribed with money, fame, power, or computer games, I must of necessity resort to Aggressive Pacification in order to maintain peace in our time.
However, I cannot simply lay them out with one good 'ol haymaker, because then I look like a bully and my parents use...ah..."moral suasion" to cause me to desist. Thusly, we get
"WEEEEEE!!! I'm going to shoot a BB gun at pressurized cans next to a candle!"
*POW*
"Cut it out peon...er, sibling! That's dangerous!"
"WAAAAHH! MOOOOOOOM! Tyson hit me!"
"Tyson! Don't be a bully! You're more mature than that!"
*Kachink-BOOM!"
"What was that, Tyson?"
"I dunno. Definitely not a pressurized can getting hit by a BB then exploding into a raging fragmentation firebomb."
Unacceptable.
So for all you older brothers and sisters out there, here's a tip: learn a few pressure points. Neck, ear, underside of the arm, instep, inguinal region, whatever, learn a few places that really hurt when poked or squeezed. That way it's less obvious that you are...ah...pacifying your dear little brothers and sisters
"WEEEEE! I'm going to light matches around the gas line!"
*poke*
"YEEEEAARRGH!"
"Don't light matches around the gas line peon! It's dangerous!"
"MOOOOM!!! Tyson poked me!"
"Tyson! Don't be a bully. You're more mature than that!"
*KABOOM!*
...
...
...
anyway...
Friday, January 29, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
10 Pounds Off
After a grueling (well, pretty grueling) workout this morning, I was informed by the Magical All-Powerful Scale of Truth that I weigh 213 pounds. This is ten less than I started with back in October, twenty more than where I want to be, and exactly where I was before Thanksgiving and Christmas. Sheesh.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Governmentium
NOTE: THIS IS NOT ORIGINAL TO ME. This was forwarded to me via email, but it was funny enough that I thought it worth sharing.
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant
neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it
an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.
However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it
comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take
less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money,Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant
neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it
an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.
However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it
comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take
less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money,Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
The Fifth Holocaust
I hate to preach. Life would be wonderful if everyone could agree on those things which mattered. Many posts on this blog so far have been fairly lighthearted. For someone looking for a lighthearted diversion into my limited wit, I apologize. This is not one.
Babies have been on my heart of late. My little brother, now 6 years old and beautiful, is no longer a baby, but I remember him, as well as every other one of my younger brothers, when they were no more than a few days old. They're soft, and so incredibly clumsy when they try to grab your finger or look around their strange new home. They don't have much in the way of hair, just sort of a five o'clock shadow on their otherwise bald little pates. Once a little older, they do have remarkable flexibility. Combine this with their mostly-cartilage skeletons, and you'll understand my oft-repeated maxim that "He'll be fine. Babies are made of rubber."
That's not true. We all know this. Babies are made of cells, just like I am, and my brothers are. They are possibly one of the most vulnerable things in this world. In this country, approximately 3000 of them die every day. That's about two per minute, give or take.
To my friends, family, and anyone else who might read this blog, I would like you to consider watching this video, with preamble and closing by Spanish actor Eduardo Verastegui. If you support the rights of the unborn, this video will hopefully both motivate you and provide you with an invaluable resource in your conversations. If you support a woman's right to choose whether she gives birth or not, perhaps you might be caused to at least stop a moment, and examine whether your ideals can compete with the horrid, brutal reality that is abortion. Whichever you are, you do need a strong stomach or a nearby bathroom. For viewers under 18, I strongly advise waiting until you're a little older to watch this. To viewers over 18, I cannot encourage you enough to watch this. If you start it, I recommend that you watch the whole thing. We can't live in denial anymore.
http://www.massmediamail.com/durarealidad/
Babies have been on my heart of late. My little brother, now 6 years old and beautiful, is no longer a baby, but I remember him, as well as every other one of my younger brothers, when they were no more than a few days old. They're soft, and so incredibly clumsy when they try to grab your finger or look around their strange new home. They don't have much in the way of hair, just sort of a five o'clock shadow on their otherwise bald little pates. Once a little older, they do have remarkable flexibility. Combine this with their mostly-cartilage skeletons, and you'll understand my oft-repeated maxim that "He'll be fine. Babies are made of rubber."
That's not true. We all know this. Babies are made of cells, just like I am, and my brothers are. They are possibly one of the most vulnerable things in this world. In this country, approximately 3000 of them die every day. That's about two per minute, give or take.
To my friends, family, and anyone else who might read this blog, I would like you to consider watching this video, with preamble and closing by Spanish actor Eduardo Verastegui. If you support the rights of the unborn, this video will hopefully both motivate you and provide you with an invaluable resource in your conversations. If you support a woman's right to choose whether she gives birth or not, perhaps you might be caused to at least stop a moment, and examine whether your ideals can compete with the horrid, brutal reality that is abortion. Whichever you are, you do need a strong stomach or a nearby bathroom. For viewers under 18, I strongly advise waiting until you're a little older to watch this. To viewers over 18, I cannot encourage you enough to watch this. If you start it, I recommend that you watch the whole thing. We can't live in denial anymore.
http://www.massmediamail.com/durarealidad/
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Welfare State
My Art History teacher mentioned something in passing in class today which gave me pause. Talking about ancient Rome, he noted that one of the first "cracks" in what would eventually be its downfall was that it effectively became a "welfare city" supporting a giant populace with high unemployment using government funds and excessive taxes on the provinces. Where have I heard that before?
Being an Anti-Federalist is difficult, since you tend to seem like a villain whenever you advocate spending less on welfare: "How could even SAY that?!? Do you want these people to STARVE? What kind of monster are you!?!?" I just fear one of two things happening. The first being that China, Saudi Arabia, and the rest of these countries that own our debt suddenly realize that our debt is worthless and that they don't want to buy anymore of it until we pay some back. The other is that the bankrupt government begins to lose the ability to pay for roads, police, and military, suddenly leaving the poor, impoverished people in a much worse state than they were in before.
Don't think that I oppose supporting the destitute. I do. PRIVATELY. It's not the government's job. As John Smith said to the first colonists of this country: "If you don't work, you don't eat." People can't leech off of the government, which is held up primarily at this point by tradition, a large military, and a whole truckload of as-yet-unfulfilled promises. The problem is, welfare programs attempt to create equality of society. That is known as socialism. The Constitution does not encourage, in fact discourages this sort of thing. It guarantees us our right to property, the sanctity of contracts, and equality of OPPORTUNITY. Not equality in fact, equality in opportunity. Because, believe it or not, people are different, and to the government, which is only concerned with our physical well-being, not all people are equal.
Now, to believers in a charitable religion such as Christianity, Islam, or Buddhism, all have equal worth in God's eyes, and thus are worth saving, protecting, and lifting up. But this is the job of private institutions like the church, not the government. People have to be able to choose generosity. The government should not be taking money out of one person's hands and giving it to another. The Constitution protects my right to be a greedy uncharitable bastard, should I choose to do so (though I hope I don't and am not).
The British sailors, according to the song, said "SINK THE BISMARCK!"
Modified for a more relevant purpose,
"SHRINK THE GOVERNMENT!"
Being an Anti-Federalist is difficult, since you tend to seem like a villain whenever you advocate spending less on welfare: "How could even SAY that?!? Do you want these people to STARVE? What kind of monster are you!?!?" I just fear one of two things happening. The first being that China, Saudi Arabia, and the rest of these countries that own our debt suddenly realize that our debt is worthless and that they don't want to buy anymore of it until we pay some back. The other is that the bankrupt government begins to lose the ability to pay for roads, police, and military, suddenly leaving the poor, impoverished people in a much worse state than they were in before.
Don't think that I oppose supporting the destitute. I do. PRIVATELY. It's not the government's job. As John Smith said to the first colonists of this country: "If you don't work, you don't eat." People can't leech off of the government, which is held up primarily at this point by tradition, a large military, and a whole truckload of as-yet-unfulfilled promises. The problem is, welfare programs attempt to create equality of society. That is known as socialism. The Constitution does not encourage, in fact discourages this sort of thing. It guarantees us our right to property, the sanctity of contracts, and equality of OPPORTUNITY. Not equality in fact, equality in opportunity. Because, believe it or not, people are different, and to the government, which is only concerned with our physical well-being, not all people are equal.
Now, to believers in a charitable religion such as Christianity, Islam, or Buddhism, all have equal worth in God's eyes, and thus are worth saving, protecting, and lifting up. But this is the job of private institutions like the church, not the government. People have to be able to choose generosity. The government should not be taking money out of one person's hands and giving it to another. The Constitution protects my right to be a greedy uncharitable bastard, should I choose to do so (though I hope I don't and am not).
The British sailors, according to the song, said "SINK THE BISMARCK!"
Modified for a more relevant purpose,
"SHRINK THE GOVERNMENT!"
Monday, January 4, 2010
Creating Words
Wouldn't it be cool if one of the privileges of graduating with an English degree was that you could create your own word? Miriam-Webster would update their dictionaries, and you would be the author of whatever world you desire, be it spadlush, flithup, or snippid. Personally, I think that sortakindamaybe ought to be a word.
In other news, I saw The Blind Side a day or two ago. It was excellent! Sandra Bullock was perfect for the part, as was the rest of the cast. The story was sweet without being cliched (well, not too cliched, anyway) and the fact that it's based on a true story just increases the awesomeness (I'm pretty sure that is a word. If not, I hereby decree it to be so).
In other news, I saw The Blind Side a day or two ago. It was excellent! Sandra Bullock was perfect for the part, as was the rest of the cast. The story was sweet without being cliched (well, not too cliched, anyway) and the fact that it's based on a true story just increases the awesomeness (I'm pretty sure that is a word. If not, I hereby decree it to be so).
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Announcing: OWNEDpix
Fellow humans,
All of us humankind, whatever country we're from, whatever our status in life, whatever our goals, aspirations, or dreams, are all trying to get somewhere and be something in life. Our ideas of what we want to be, have, and do are very different, but we are each and every one of us trying to reach a goal.
That said, our lives are not one long, continuous drive towards our goals. We are fickle and easily distractable creatures, and we crave diversion and amusement. One the things which can amuse us most readily is the utter failure of others in achieving their own goals. Many people fail quite spectacularly in their quest for their dreams. Being evil and malicious creatures every manjack of us, we are most entertained by such things.
In honor of this most universal human tendency, I hereby announce what I hope will be a long-term effort: OWNEDpix. In this series of images, I hope to provide some modicum of malicious glee to your day by providing you with pictorial representations of the most fantastic failures I encounter in my wand'rings across the World-Wide Web. Enjoy!
All of us humankind, whatever country we're from, whatever our status in life, whatever our goals, aspirations, or dreams, are all trying to get somewhere and be something in life. Our ideas of what we want to be, have, and do are very different, but we are each and every one of us trying to reach a goal.
That said, our lives are not one long, continuous drive towards our goals. We are fickle and easily distractable creatures, and we crave diversion and amusement. One the things which can amuse us most readily is the utter failure of others in achieving their own goals. Many people fail quite spectacularly in their quest for their dreams. Being evil and malicious creatures every manjack of us, we are most entertained by such things.
In honor of this most universal human tendency, I hereby announce what I hope will be a long-term effort: OWNEDpix. In this series of images, I hope to provide some modicum of malicious glee to your day by providing you with pictorial representations of the most fantastic failures I encounter in my wand'rings across the World-Wide Web. Enjoy!
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